Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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