Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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