R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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