happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
