Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
