She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
