I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
