You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
