Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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