I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
