Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
