What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
