Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
