Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
