So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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