So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
