Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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