You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My life is pants optional.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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