Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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