repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize