I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize