Don't make out with my wife yet
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Randomize
