Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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