non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
