someone owes me an orgasm
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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