Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
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My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
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You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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