i think my tv is drunk
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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