i jhust puked up my retainher.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
