Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
