my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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