the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
