when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
