i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
