i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
