I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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