Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
