can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Drunk is not a location!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
