i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Randomize
