Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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