Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize