worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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