so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
