Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just had sex on a roof
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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