I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
