my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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