I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
There's even glitter on my cock...
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