i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
