I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
