Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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