Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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