She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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