After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
