Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
